WHY I WAS DISAPPEARING IN MY RELATIONSHIPS, AND HOW I CHANGED THAT……
I’ve often struggled with losing myself in my intimate relationships. I would favor the connection and harmony between us over my own needs, values and goals. In fact, I would go so far as to say, I would completely lose touch with my values and goals in an attempt to find security and stability in a relationship.
My self esteem was so low I depended on their validation to feel my sense of worth.
It wasn’t just my intimate relationships I noticed this in. I became aware of a tendency to Mother everyone, to take care of others needs. That was one of the ways I felt good about myself, to feel needed, wanted and important.
I made my clients' healing journey entirely my responsibility.
I was a superwoman, I could take care of everyone and everything.
And yet, I was often unsupported myself. I would go through phases of being a massive giver and then need to retreat into my cave.
Then, when I began exploring trauma resolution and nervous system work, I discovered this tendency in me to become hyper-social. I wasn't relaxed in connection with others. I often felt a need to prove myself and deep down, beneath my mask, I craved validation, recognition and approval to feel safe and seen.
Polyvagal theory has helpful ways to understand this. You may have heard of SYMPATHETIC AROUSAL (active participation vs fight or flight) or PARASYMPATHETIC AROUSAL (relaxed vs freeze). That’s what people think about when they see the gazelle getting chased by the lion, surviving and then coming back to balance.
We also have a SOCIAL NERVOUS SYSTEM that can either feel safe, open and regulated or contracted, unsafe and dysregulated.
Our sympathetic nervous system is responsible for upward energies of mobilization, the heart rate increases, blood is pumped to our extremities so that we can ‘get up and go’, defend, run, dance, fight, etc.
Our parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for the downward energies of relaxation, slowness and also freeze states of numbness and dissociation (designed to preserve our physiology in times of threat and danger)
Lastly our social nervous system is responsible for outward energies, like when we are connecting with others, in social situations, scanning our environment, calculating, deciphering tone of voice, body language, looking to see if we are safe or not safe, and adapting our social behavior to mitigate any detected threat.
This is all part of the autonomic nervous system which means it’s happening beneath our conscious awareness.
The thing is, we can have ‘survival strategies’ that are our default patterning. Patterns that we laid down in our early developmental years, shaping our physiology and how we perceived the world around us (depending on the environment you grew up in).
As young children, it was essential that we remained connected to our caregivers — for our survival. And yet, these patterns which are now out of date - can be limiting our capacity for aliveness, connection and relaxation.
We may have needed to be the caregiver in our family, or tend to the needs and feelings of others in order to diffuse volatile situations, it may have been the only way we could find, as a child, some sense of security, connection and safety.
Once these are laid down in our physiology they become a pattern of behavior that feels somewhat normal or familiar. It's like our default.
The first step is to become aware.
One way to do that is through deeper nervous system work. We work with those incomplete survival responses that were laid down in our early life, and slowly over time, become more updated versions of ourselves.
Here’s how to detect hyper-socialisation in yourself:
Do you notice yourself being…
Hyper attentive to other people's needs and feelings: “If you are ok then I can relax” ie the host that can’t relax at her own party. Or the codependent partner who wants to fulfill your every need and desire.
The caregiver: “If I take care of you, you will love me, approve of me, need me, and then I’m safe” ie I will become everyone's Mum.
People pleasing: “let me not rock the boat (disagree, have my own opinion, needs or desires) because I need to feel connected to you to feel safe here, and being in disagreement with you feels threatening”
Multiple friends who drain your energy and you lack boundaries with them: “being so far over there in empathy with his/her needs, feelings and experience that I forget to voice and prioritize what I need”.
I have done all of the above, until one day I just couldn’t keep it up, and thank heavens I found the deeper nervous system work my physiology craved.
If you have a womb, your body creates progesterone eostrogen we are biologically susceptible to becoming hyper-social ie - tending to the needs of others in a way that is detrimental to our health and wellness. Plus if you have been conditioned to be a nice girl and take care of others this also makes you predisposed to favoring other people's needs over your own, this can be a great contributor to burnout and adrenal fatigue and make the journey through menopause pretty fraught with much that will need to change for you to thrive.
Once I noticed my tendency to disappear in relationship to others, I understood why I often felt unsafe in relationships instead of settled and comfortable.
The next step was to become aware of my body's queues and notice what was happening through my physiology instead of disconnecting from it. From that place I can voice what I need and want, what I am available for and what I am not.
This has taken a good deal of inquiry, curiosity, self compassion and 1:1 trauma resolution to feel, sense and be with the little one within me. To hold her, and listen to her needs and feelings and desires.
Each day is a new journey, each day is another day I get to practice what I’ve learnt and rewire my experience of relating to others, to one where I feel safe, seen, in connection with, respected, appreciated and valued.
Love,
Ellie
P.S. Want to stop repeating patterns and find ease and safety in your relationships? Find out about 1:1 sessions with me.
