the power of menopause
This is a poem that became my mantra as I navigated the deepest part of my menopausal journey....
This world has only
Two true directions:
Towards and away.
The big fear, in the end,
is to awake and find that
You chose away.
That the hand
Which held you down
Was none other
Than your own.
Remember,
The pursuit
Of that which is not truly us
Renders even the most
Powerful vision useless
Recognize
When the boulder in front
Of the cave begins to shift
When that first illuminating shaft
Pierces the dark
Do not hesitate long
Do not waste time
Anticipating the griefs
Yet to come
They cannot be helped
And perhaps are necessary
On that long
And awkward walk
Towards yourself.
– Quinn Bailey
Quinn is a naturalist, outdoor educator, and wildlife tracker who facilitates rites of passage and teaches ancestral skills to youth and adults.
Menopause felt like a descent into Soul Canyon (something Bill Plotkin teaches about in his work, If you haven't heard of him I highly recommend his books, and the work of the Animas Institute!)
Sounds romantic doesn’t it, Soul Canyon.
Well it wasn’t at all I can tell you.
It was the most hauntingly terrifying complete dissolution process I have EVER encountered. Everything began to fall away. It was like a car crash in slow motion. All of the things that gave me a sense of identity, purpose and belonging began to die.
My livelihood and business collapsed, I was a financial mess, I was mourning the loss of my sexuality (as I knew it, menopause was changing the way my body functioned sexually which is how Yin Sexuality was birthed) I had lost my community here in New Zealand due to my departure from an organization I worked within for 11 years. My relationship crumbled and transitioned and eventually he left New Zealand, then my 20 year old son left home.
I felt alone.
Confused about who I was now.
I was clinging on where I could to the remnants of my old life.
But……
This poem taught me to let go.
And so did (thankfully!) the post traumatic growth work I was doing both 1:1 and in a group environment.
Its been 3.5 years of step by step letting go, recalibrating, falling down, re-orientating, stumbling, hesitating, and finally getting back up, feeling my spirit, my resilience and my power begin to return.
Interestingly it was this part of the poem that haunted me the most:
“The big fear, in the end,
is to awake and find that
You chose away.
That the hand
Which held you down
Was none other
Than your own.”
What menopause has taught me is that in order to live a life of integrity I have to slow down trust, and listen, deeply.
It was this that lead me to walk away from a job that flew me all over the world, where I got paid well, at times was treated like a rock star, and it was exciting!
However,
it was also ravaging my nervous system, destabilizing me from my home life, the trainings felt too fast for my system, I was also noticing others who seemed to be struggling with the pace and intensity too. On top of that I was witness to some unhealthy power dynamics, and also in the end a victim as a result of those unhealthy dynamics too.
Menopause was teaching me to dance to the beat of my own drum, find my own source of creativity, strength, power, direction and purpose.
To be in my integrity and to honour myself - to walk towards myself I had to walk away.
Maybe it was menopause, maybe it was just the right time but there was simply no compromise left in me. I didn’t want the hand that held me down to be my own, I wanted to find that long awkward walk back home to myself.
This is also what caused my 4 year relationship to dissolve.
I needed to be honest with myself.
It just felt like we were on different paths.
And even though parts of the relationship were good, there were parts of it that felt out of alignment and even though it broke my heart, I knew I needed to choose to walk away from it.
As if that wasn’t enough loss.
My son leaving home and how I felt about that was the biggest surprise to me, I thought empty nest syndrome was something that happened to bored housewives, I was not prepared for that loss of identity and sense of purpose and the mourning I went through as I let go of the stage of my life when my son lived at home with me.
All I can say is “ thank the god/goddess for my spiritual journey” “and for trauma resolution and the resulting embodiment of spirit I am now experiencing!”
I am so grateful for the tools I have learnt, and how going step by step into my new life has seeded something beautiful, and in integrity with my Heart and Soul.
There is power in going slow!
There is power in refusing to be in the collective trauma spell of needing results now and the emergency of SURVIVAL.
To say no to that is to sink my roots even deeper into the EARTH and feel how I am held, to reach high up into the COSMOS and feel my SOUL as LIMITLESS, and to move in my life at a tempo that feels good in my BODY!
I can feel how by doing this I am back online, in a more powerful, earthly, resilient, natural and authentic way.
I can feel by how doing this I am unhooking myself from personal, collective and ancestral trauma and in the process of doing so embodying more of my spirit and true essence.
It feels regenerative as if I’m finding my place in the ecosystem, naturally orienting myself to the sunlight and that which makes me grow and shine and thrive.
Some days I still struggle of course. I am human.
But my baseline is different.
I have regenerated my life, like a phoenix arising from the ashes, with energy, magic and creativity to share.
If this touches you.
I’d love to hear from you.
I’m offering a few places to work with me 1:1 in my 3 month container EVOLVE.
If you want a little taster of the work to see if its right for you,
I have a special discount + offer just for YOU - you can book in for a single session (with no obligation to continue) for $250 NZD (save $40). Sessions are 90 minutes on zoom. (I usually don’t offer single purchase sessions unless you have done trauma resolution/nervous system work with me before)
